Everybody is ignorant ...

... only on different subjects.

This one seems so obvious until you really think about it. We all have a blind spot, a Thing We Don't Get.

Mine is popular culture. I have no idea who Kim Big Butt is or how she's related to whoever and why people care. The same is true for most music people unless they were born in the 1940s and 1950s.

But I can tell you about the history of comic books in America, and discuss American Realism and Naturalism in fiction, and also help you troubleshoot your computer.

Some people can tell you how to game the system and get something for nothing. A dubious talent, but a talent, nonetheless.

It's all in how you look at it, right? We're all ignorant, and we're all smart -- just in different spots.

But when I see pictures of Miss Big Butt, I do have to wonder, I admit....

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.

A pessimist fears this is true.

I prefer to be an optimist this year. I chose my yearly word -- a far more difficult thing than it should be, I suppose.

I wanted to aim for "positive", "enthusiastic", "easy-going" -- something to indicate (to me) that things just won't throw me for a loop.

I finally settled on "upbeat". ♪ Always look on the bright side of life ♪ That's what I'm going to do. The reason for this?

The Dreaded P word.

I'm spending 2015 on promotion. I vow to actively promote my books and see, once and for all, if it makes any damn difference in sales.

I shall report back in with my findings later. Hopefully, in one year.

Must stay upbeat. Must stay upbeat.....

Most cats, most of the time, have already met most of the people they want to meet

And you know, I kind of understand that.

If you stop and think about it, you've met a LOT of people in your life. "Met" might be a loose term, here, but think of the daily interactions, the casual strangers, the friends.

That's a lot of people. Some were good interactions, some not so good. I have a general rule: I assume good unless I'm proved wrong. It makes life a lot easier. Others I know seem to assume the bad, and they just give off a very negative vibe.

The way I see it is this: it ain't personal. If somebody doesn't get along with me, that's fine. There are a lot of other people in the world. I can't get along with everybody. So it goes.

I've already met a lot of people. A few less is okay with me.

I respect Faith

... but doubt is what gets you an education.

I've always been a learner. I continuously in school from 1970 (well, before that if you count high school) until 2001. Then I took Community Ed classes in French, pottery, and everything imaginable.

It's only been since 2004 that I haven't been in school. You know why? Yep. I'm writing. I found something else to satisfy that creative need of mine.

I toyed with the idea of getting a PhD but then thought, heck, why bother? I have a B.A., M.A., B.S., M.S., and A.A.D. Do I need anything else? I'd much rather do what I love to do, and that's write down the stories that are swirling in my head. So I learned how to write and I continue to learn how to write, with every book I write.

Never stop learning. It will keep you young.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time...

but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Oh, isn't this the truth? I think as I've gotten older, I've learned that it just doesn't pay to truly speak your mind unless it's absolutely necessary. I have friends who are free to offer advice, but I've learned the hard way that unless my advice is asked for, it often isn't welcomed.

This is true in many things, but I've seen it most in play around gardening. It's too easy to look at someone's landscape and think, "if they did this then ..." The sure way to keep me from speaking my mind is to remember my own landscape mistakes. Once I filter what I see through those memories, I get a much clearer idea of what might be going on.

A goal in life is to avoid foot-in-mouth disease. An admirable goal, eh?

The older we get...

...the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

This bring me to The Hunger Games, of course. I saw pictures of people lined up to get into the film and I thought, "Gee, must be a Beatles reunion. Oh, wait. Can't happen. Hmm."

Seriously. I love seeing fans who can't wait to enjoy something -- a book, a concert, a movie. I waited in line once. I think it was in 1970 and I wanted Eric Clapton's debut album so bad I slept out overnight with some other kids to buy it at a record store. It was worth it.

And I have waited in line when I had to enter items in the Minnesota State Fair, but that was minor. Just a few minutes chatting with other folks carrying jams, wood carvings, quilts, and oddments. Interesting.

Other than that, I do not wait in line unless I am the 2nd or 3rd person there. I have been known to leave restaurants rather than wait 20 minutes (unless they have a bar. I will make exceptions to my rules when alcohol is involved). I am a charter member of the Short Attention Span Theater. I can't sit still long enough for a cat to get comfortable on my lap (unless I'm dozing).

So may it's not "the older we get" that's the rule here. Maybe some of us are just born that way.

But you know, if the Beatles did reunite (with George and John coming back to play a gig), I'd probably wait in line for that.

It is better to be pleasantly absent...

...than miserably present.

Yep, I've been absent, and for a while it was unpleasant, but lately it's been pleasantly so.

The unpleasant was dealing with my mother's death in November. That's a black hole of time and emotion. Her death was expected -- she was ill and her death was, I think, a blessing to her -- but her loss is still grievous to me. We were very close and I miss her dearly. But she would hate for me to dwell on it, so I'm trying not to.

Then Christmas rolled around and, lo and behold, I discovered a few days before Christmas that I had no web site -- the host company decided to un-host me. So I had to scramble to put together a new web site. Along the way I decided I didn't want a 'regular' web site (one that required me to use special software in order to update it). So that led me think about Cloud Computing (yes, my mind wanders in odd and strange ways), and voila, I have a slog -- a web site blog.

Is it perfect? Nope. But it's Okay. And that led me to think about perfection. Why do we strive for what we perceive to be "just right"? The world is not trampling a path to my web site. It's okay if it's not perfect. It's okay if some people go, 'ew. How odd. Why not have a Real Web Site." The new site does what I want: it lets me update it easily, I can get out word about my books, and I can add content whenever I feel like it.

Win-win-win as far as I'm concerned.

You know, the older I get, the more I think it's not the Hokey-Pokey ("that's what it's all about"). It's about time and how we manage it and our absences.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,

 ...because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Oh, this one makes such good sense to me.

I gained 25 pounds when I quit smoking 22 years ago. There were a combination of factors. I quit smoking. We moved to a house where I now had to drive everywhere instead of walk. And we moved to a location with convenient fast food nearby.

That last thing is HUGE. Prior to the move, fast food was a long walk away (it didn't make sense to drive. We were in a large metro area and driving was a pain). But after the move, I drove by a fast food place almost every day. It was so convenient, so easy, so simple ...

...so fattening. I didn't realize it until we moved to our current home and the weight kept adding on. Fast food was there, simple, easy ... I tried now and then to lose weight, but I never really put my heart into it. And that's what it takes. You. Have. To. Want. It. It's really that simple. You have to find a diet that works for you and stick with it. Counting calories has always worked for me. Very easy: count what goes in, count the exercise expended. Exercise should be more than calorie.

And I did it. I lost most of the weight. Yes, I gained some back, but overall: it's off. And it will stay off. Because I realized something very valuable about myself: given the chance, I will eat like a horse. And I can't afford to do that. It's really very simple. It's not whether or not I *deserve* that donut. I can't have it. Next question.

So think about it:if you haven't gained weight, try not to. And if you have, work at getting it gone. You'll feel better about it in the long run.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...

Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

I don't understand hunting or fishing for sport. I can somewhat understand the enjoyment in pitting one's intelligence against a wild animal, but I don't understand how anyone can kill another creature.

Side note: yes, I eat meat. Yes, I know where it comes from. Yes, I know there are many places in the U.S. with inhumane animal handling plants that process my meat. I don't have an answer for this except I try to buy cage-free and organic when I can. It's a sop to my conscience, but there you are.

I just don't get the whole 'killing' thing. I don't understand how one can look at a creature which is as beautiful as a doe and kill it. I know they're urban nuisances (because humans have invaded their territory and killed off their natural predators, but don't get me started on that!) and I know that 'culling' is good for the herd.

But why do people get enjoyment out of it? I don't know. And you know what -- I'll just go out of my way to avoid those who do enjoy it. I'm not going to understand it; they're not going to understand me. Why give myself the stress? I'll just avoid 'em.

Now if they would sit in a boat and drink beer all day then eventually fall in ...

WIN!

Letting the cat out of the bag...

... is a lot easier than getting the cat back in.

Or, another way to phrase it is: Think before you speak.

I found this out the hard way a few years ago. I was relatively new to publishing and when I got a lousy cover, I said to my editor at the time that I thought it was an inappropriate cover (yep. That's it).

I thought my editor would be on my side. But no! She was on the publisher's side. Said publisher did PANELS at various conferences about how little a cover matters. Said publisher did presentations on the subject. According to them, cover art isn't a draw for readers -- good writing is.

Sigh.

The long and the short of it? My editor decided she could no longer work with me and requested a transfer. I had 3 (or maybe it was 4) editors after that and I'm no longer submitting books to that publisher. And a good thing, too, since they're changing how they manage the mainstream branch of their publishing house (where my books sat).

The moral of the story? Think before you speak. But if you feel you have to speak, damn it, go ahead and speak. There may be fallout but it may be all for the better.

Only time will tell.

Pain and suffering are inevitable

... but misery is optional.

Oh, I can attest to this one. I've been helping my elderly mother as she copes with emphysema. This is not a pretty disease. It saps your strength, it invades every waking moment of your day, and there is little anyone can do about it.

I'm 250 miles away, so it's hard for me to be with her a lot. I do go as much as I can, usually for a week at a time. I'm fortunate because I have a job where I can log in and work remotely, and I'm able to work around her doctor appointments, etc.

There are no good outcomes here, of course. This is a wasting disease and the most we can hope for is that she's comfortable. She's not happy being restricted like this. She's 91 and up until last year, she was totally active, in a restrained way: she played bridge 2 times a week, she went to club meetings, she could get her groceries. Now she sits in a chair and that's about it. Getting up and going to dinner is exhausting and takes it all out of her.

I hate to see this happen, but at least she's not miserable. She's not taking out her anger on the people around her. She's handling this with grace and dignity, and believe me, I appreciate that. Misery truly is optional, and she's doing every thing she can to keep her misery from washing over the people around her.

I can learn a lot from her. A lot.

Experience is what you get

 ...when you don't get what you want.

How often do you get what you want? I don't know about you, but I'm doing pretty good. I have a home, a good job, a steady income, relatively good health, a partner who is supportive, and a loving family.

Did I really *want* all those things? I'm not sure, now. I do know that I appreciate all those things. I know far too many people who don't have those: they're unemployed, or in a toxic relationship, or hate their job, or have poor health. Every time I spend time with those folks I come away with an appreciation of what I do have.

To be honest, I think I usually set my 'want' list to things that are attainable. I don't 'want to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro' and I don't 'want to take a 10-day hike'. I'm intrigued by people who do those things and I sometimes think, "Man, I should do something like that. I should travel to Bali or Bolivia and hike in mountains and eat perched by the side of the road."

Then sanity returns. My idea of camping is a hotel without WiFi. I do walk a lot (about 10K steps a day) but I'm not up for 20K steps for 10 days or more. I hate heat and humidity. I like having my 'things' around me.

Maybe that's why I don't worry about getting what I want -- I'm a pragmatist in setting goals.

What about you? Is something on your 'want' list that might not be attainable? How bad do you want it? If you REALLY REALLY want it, you'll probably drop a lot of other things off that Want List and go after it.

And if you're not willing to drop things...how bad do you want it?

Tell me what you need...

.... and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
 
Have you ever been involved in a natural disaster? Did the power go off for days on end? Were you ever in a flood or a fire?

I've experienced an apartment fire, a 100-year flood, and more moves than I care to count. Okay. I counted. 27 moves in 33 years. Right now I'm on year 20 in my current house. A record for me. Seriously.

But I digress. If your life has ever been uprooted, you get a really good sense of what you NEED versus what you WANT. I'm sure you've heard this all before: our society is based on WANT. Our economy is focused around getting people to spend money on things they really don't need in order to keep the economy going. I don't know about you, but I used to feel a bit guilty if I didn't overspend at Christmas, or buy the latest gadget, or upgrade to the newest car.

Note I said "used to feel..."

A few years ago (quite a few, actually), I read a book called "Your Money or Your Life." It was a financial management kind of book that was recommended by a friend. Okay. I didn't read it. I skimmed it. What I got out of that book was this:

You work for money. You then spend that money. Figure out how much an item costs you, not in terms of money, but in terms of your time. In other words, how long did you work in order to afford to buy that item?

Now look at it this way: what if you're in a job you don't like? What if you feel your job is taking you away from something you would really, really like to do.

Now re-calculate those purchases with that in mind.

Everything comes with a price and it's not just the monetary price on the price tag. You are spending your time to make a purchase.

If that's the case: don't you think you should pause and consider before you make that purchase?

Here's your goal for today (or this week or month or year, depending on how you're reading this book):

Track your purchases for five days, making sure at least one of those days is a weekend day. Just jot down what you bought and what it cost. Set the list aside. Pull it out two weeks later. Evaluate the list: do you remember what you bought? Did it give you pleasure beyond the moment? Was the purchase a "need to buy" (lunch, groceries, etc.) or was it a "want to buy" (new CD, new shoes etc.)

Was it worth it?

Inch by inch, life's a cinch....

Yard by yard, life is hard.

I had one of those Panic Mode days today. This happens to me when I get behind at work. Keep in mind, 'behind' is a relative term. There's often just the appearance of being behind: I have a few emails stacked up, I have to evaluate what to work on, I need to prioritize and sort out what is important and what isn't.

Inevitably, when this happens, I end up feeling way stressed -- waaaayyyy stressed. I always have to take a deep breath, look at the Stack of Stuff, and just start digging through it. Usually an hour later I look up, realize I've accomplished a lot, and I start to relax. But there's always that initial "Oh, no!" Panic Mode.

I managed to avoid Panic Mode most of this summer. I deliberately turned my back on things that bugged me. I didn't rise to the bait when people posted annoying things. I kept my opinions to myself. I didn't do things that annoyed me (a lot of promotion, or exercising on days when I just damn well didn't want to). I gave myself a break. I relaxed.

What surprised me was how easy it was to slip back into Stress Mode. BUT -- and here's the biggie -- I can easily envision how easy it will be to slip back into Relax Mode. I've found that I accomplish almost as much when relaxed as when stressed. I used to think that being wound tight as a clock was the way to accomplish things.

Au contraire.

So I'm going to practice what I preach and relax today. I'm not going to panic. I've accomplished a few things already. Now I'm going to pick away at a couple of other things. And then I'm going to do what I want to do.

Can you do that? Can you shuffle the Stack so there's less stress? Maybe not today, maybe not every day, but ...

Try it. You might like it.

It's lonely at the top...

 ...but you eat better.

Having never been "at the top", I can't attest to this, but it appears to be true.

Notice I said 'appears'.

Do you know anyone who has more than you? Someone who's rich? Someone who takes interesting, expensive vacations? Someone who appears to have everything possible?

I do. There's a person (or two or three) I know who own vacation homes in Florida; they take R&R spa vacations at swanky resorts. They don't work outside the home and they go boating, water skiing, and jet off to Europe whenever the whim strikes.

And yet I've heard these people lament about how hard their lives are. How stressed they are. How tough it is to be happy. How they *need* that spa vacation because life has been so unbearable lately. My response (not to their face) is always bitter incredulity. What color is the sky on their planet? I realize it's all a matter of perspective -- maybe there's something hidden that we in the public don't see, but really ... on the face of it, how 'unbearable' could it be?

People like that are toxic, as far as I'm concerned. They exist to annoy you. They have a twisted view of the world. They purport to know how others feel, but *their* feelings are far more important. Their feelings about losing a game of tennis, about arguing with their spouse, about coping with recalcitrant children, are comparable to feelings of traumatic loss in others.

The best you can do is ignore them. If possible, whack them (see a previous post about Whack People). And if you can do neither, avoid them. An ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of peeve.

Experience is what you get

... when you don't get what you want.

How often do you get what you want? I don't know about you, but I'm doing pretty good. I have a home, a good job, a steady income, relatively good health, a partner who is supportive, and a loving family.

Did I really *want* all those things? I'm not sure, now. I do know that I appreciate all those things. I know far too many people who don't have those: they're unemployed, or in a toxic relationship, or hate their job, or have poor health. Every time I spend time with those folks I come away with an appreciation of what I do have.

To be honest, I think I usually set my 'want' list to things that are attainable. I don't 'want to climb Mt. Kilamanjaro' and I don't 'want to take a 10-day hike'. I'm intrigued by people who do those things and I sometimes think, "Man, I should do something like that. I should travel to Bali or Bolivia and hike in mountains and eat perched by the side of the road."

Then sanity returns. My idea of camping is a hotel without WiFi. I do walk a lot (about 10K steps a day) but I'm not up for 20K steps for 10 days or more. I hate heat and humidity. I like having my 'things' around me.

Maybe that's why I don't worry about getting what I want -- I'm a pragmatist in setting goals.

What about you? Is something on your 'want' list that might not be attainable? How bad do you want it? If you REALLY REALLY want it, you'll probably drop a lot of other things off that Want List and go after it.

And if you're not willing to drop things...how bad do you want it?

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown.

But it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them on the head.

There are some people who deserve a whack on the head. Let me just make that clear from the start. I don't subscribe to the notion that everyone is good and anyone who appears bad is just not understood. With some people -- even after understanding them, I dislike them and wish I could whack them on the head.

I wish there was an absolutely, fool-proof way to determine if someone is guilty of a crime. If there was, then I could be a total supporter of punishment that matches the crime. As it is, though, we need that bit of doubt to make sure the innocent aren't punished as well.

I have found that it's best if I try to avoid the people I want to whack. I just don't have patience for them, nor can I be polite around them. It's too easy to bait them and find ways to make fun of them instead of whacking them. Then I feel bad for baiting them or engaging in angry discussions or whatever.

Whack people can really interrupt your life. Just don't let them have that control. Walk away. But if you can get in a whack first ... go for it.

Money can't buy happiness ...

 ... but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I recently saw an article where Bill Gates and Warren Buffett (two of the richest people in the world) are trying to get their fellow billionaires to donate 1/2 of their wealth to charity.

My initial response was, "Well, yay!"

Then I thought: Wait a minute. Shouldn't that be a given? If you make a gazillion dollars a year, shouldn't you donate a boatload of it to some worthwhile cause.

Then I thought (lots of thinking that day): Why do I think that? If a person earns a gazillion dollars, why should they donate it somewhere? I donate a lot of money (a surprising amount, really), but it's easy: I have it automatically deducted from my check and/or credit to a credit card. I don't realize how much I'm donating until I get to tax time and I tally it up and look at the total in surprise.

And you know what I almost always say? "I could have done better."

Wealth truly is a relative term. Some people I know make barely minimum wage but they appear to be happy. Yes, they'd like more money as a cushion, but it isn't essential for their happiness. And I know some rich people whom I suspect are not as happy as they seem. They seem to be striving for ... something missing from their lives.

I think, more to the point, is the idea of 'misery'. True misery can be mitigated by money. Money can buy housing, or medical care, or peace of mind. It can't buy happiness, but it can buy a respite from anxiety.

Think about your own life. Do you truly feel 'misery' in any aspect? Would money help that? Or is your misery of your own making? And if it isn't ... is there some way to turn 'misery' into 'discomfort' (ignore me if you have a serious disease, etc. -- you're on the Special List).

Misery can be helped by money. Can your money help someone else's misery? And if you do donate it, how does that make you feel? I donate because it makes me feel good. How about you?

Women think men will change after marraige. Men think women won't.

They're both wrong.

I recently celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. My husband and I went out to dinner and I said, "Who would have thought, 25 years ago, that we would be sitting here, eating this, and talking about that?"

I walk a fine line between optimism and pessimism. I think of myself as a pragmatist, but I always have a sneaking hope for the best to happen and will strive to make that happen. My husband is an unabashed pragmatist. His feeling is that he'll give something 100%. If things don't work out the way he thinks they will, he'll walk away without a backward glance.

I won't say we've been lucky in our marriage. We've had to work to make things, well, work, and we still have bumpy times. But we don't argue bitterly, we don't fight over money, and we manage to get along pretty well, day in and day out. I married him after a divorce, when I was in my 30s. He was in his late 20s and, as he put it, 'tired of the dating scene.' I think we found each other at the right time: we both had ideas of what we wanted in life and when we found someone we could share with, we decided that was the right thing to do.

I know of many people in what I call 'toxic relationships.' They don't have a supportive spouse, or they tiptoe around their spouse, or they don't share the same views on some pretty important issues. That makes their lives not really their own. They end up worrying so much what someone else will think that they lose track of what's important to them.

Is someone in your life supportive...or not? How does that color your perception of the world? Is that relationship essential to your life? If negative, is there any way it could be changed? Imagine your life different than it is now.

Is that worth considering?

Never attribute to malice...

 ....that which can be explained by stupidity.

I would amend this saying, perhaps, to: "Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by a lack of empathy." How hard is it for you to envision how other people feel? If you can't imagine how someone feels, then it's hard to imagine how you can hurt them (or offend them, etc.)

I'm not saying that you need to walk around trying to not offend people (sometimes it's just going to happen). But if you do offend someone and are surprised by it (or accused of being malicious), think about it. Is someone being over-sensitive or were you being stupid?

This happens a lot with e-mail. It's very easy to offend someone using email because there's no facial expressions (okay, there's smiley faces, but...), there's no tone of voice, and there's no one-to-one give-and-take. Once words are put into writing it's very hard to mitigate their meaning.

A friend told me about being at a swimming pool one day. Two teenaged girls started to fight -- kicking, screaming, pulling hair, pushing under the water fighting. Turns out one girl (girl A) told Girl B that Girl B was rude and not very nice to be around. So Girl B proceeded to try to drown Girl A. Girl A didn't just volunteer this info: Girl B had demanded to know why she (Girl B) had few friends. When Girl A told her, Girl B pitched a fit.

Well, duh.

Look at your life. Think about it. For better or worse, we have to get along with people. We can do without people in our lives, but they do intersect now and then.

Are the intersections going the way you want?